Just for Fun: Critters vs. Varmints

I’ve been really enjoying the posts on a (now defunct) blog called South vs. North, and we’ve gotten into a discussion in the comments there about critters and varmints. I’m re-posting my explanations here, just for fun.

A critter is cute and cuddly and might make a decent pet. They don’t hurt things or tear up your garden. Critters is also useful, like calves and lambs and barn cats (they kill the pesky varmints like rats and mice that try to eat the feed in the barn).

A varmint is a malicious and destructive beast that’d be better off in the stew pot than running free. Deers, coons, polecats, and rabbits is varmints. Although I’d settle for just shooting the polecat rather than putting him in the stew pot.

The distinction between critter and varmint is highly subjective. Your neighbour might think squirrels is cute critters and put out feed corn for them. You’re smart; you know squirrels is varmints, so you take aim and pot them suckers one by one as they go for the neighbour’s convenient bait. But you probably shouldn’t tell your neighbour that roast squirrel tastes like chicken.

And again, deers can be critters or varmints, depending on whether they are looking pretty in the snowy fields, chowing down on your newly sprouted vegetable patch, or making you hit a tree so you don’t run over them on the highway. My friend hit a deer once by accident, and believe me, the tree does less damage.

Tags: definition, humour